The Fortress...

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. -C.S. Lewis

Love is one of those things I have been afraid of my entire life. I don’t mean ‘afraid of’ in the sense that I stayed away from guys or never got into relationships. I just never let anyone completely into my life, let them see all of me, gave them my everything. Why? Because, deep down inside, on such a subconscious level I am not sure I can identify even today, I was afraid of losing. Losing them, losing myself, being hurt. I think allowing myself to be vulnerable, or letting people SEE my vulnerability is one of my biggest fears.You can’t be hurt if you don’t allow yourself to be. Also, to be completely honest, I never met anyone who I wanted to give my everything to.

That’s a lie. I thought I had love, the real thing, once before in my life. I realize now it was more like infatuation. Infatuation with how he adored me, how he made me feel; and then, after we broke up, obsession with the chase. Could I get him back? Some days I sat and wondered if I even wanted him back…and what was scary is that I usually came to the conclusion that I didn’t, but I sure did keep chasing. And I eventually got him back, and we faded away just as before BECAUSE WE OBVIOUSLY WERE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I am that kind of girl; in past relationships, I have become bored once I conquered the prey and knew that I had vanquished their feelings. Or I would realize that I wasn’t that into them, and I am NOT willing to waste my time or theirs developing a relationship while waiting for something better to come along. I abhor complacency. I have seen too many people start dating someone who they feel lackluster towards, but, you know-kind of like, just because they wanted to be dating someone. Then the relationship kind of grows by itself and all of a sudden they are exclusive and 2 years pass and they are still together…just because it’s easy and convenient. Then, crap, they have been dating so long that the next logical step is to get engaged and then they get married and are stuck in this relationship THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN for the rest of their lives…not really happy. Not really in love. But it’s good enough. Maybe for right now…

So I hid my heart and protected it and wrapped busyness and success and school and my love of friends, family and all people and all my little crazies I have to hide true feelings around it…and it worked. I have never really been hurt. But I had never really loved either. I don’t think I was at a point (or would ever be at the point) that my heart was hardened, because I LOVE so many people, just not any men. and I don’t think that I am worse off for it. I haven’t given myself to everyone I have met, or dated. That makes it much harder to do now…I am not used to being vulnerable, to admitting that I am upset, to having conversations about feelings with an SO (significant other)…

It’s new territory for me. and it’s scary. But it’s definitely exhilarating. I feel like a thrill seeker or one of those people who are addicted to pain because of the rushes of adrenaline…this time might be the end of me or damage me beyond recognition, but it might just be the best thing I have ever done, my greatest accomplishment. Either way, it is sure to make a HUGE impact on my life.