why why why why

So I have been a little down lately. And I have been trying to figure out why. And I just can’t. It may be hormones from the pill, it may just be that all the chemicals in my body are out of wack. It may be that I miss him so much…it is probably a combination of all of the above.

So I called him this morning just to say I love you and have a great day and I end up pretty much crying uncontrollably. And I don’t mean to do that. I just feel so underutilized and pointless at work a lot of the time. I love what I do when I get to do it. But I haven’t had a busy day where I feel I actually accomplished something in a while. And when I get tons of those in a row, it starts affecting me. I have started questioning my worth in all aspects of my life. I just feel useless, you know? I want to feel like I am making a difference. like my talents and abilities are being used. And they really aren’t at this juncture. I question why I am still working here if they don’t need me. why am I still here when I could be starting school in January? Or when I could be with him?

I mean, I know my job shouldn’t affect my feeling of self worth and doesn’t define me. but it kind of does. I mean, it’s the whole reason I am still here in Pensacola and why I haven’t applied to start grad school yet. It’s the reason I haven’t moved. It takes up most of my time during the day. It’s impossible to not let it affect me.

I think I am a very self confident person, but when things start to go downhill at work, when I start to feel like I am not performing well or making a difference or not being utilized, everything starts going downhill for me. it happened at FCC; I feel it happening now. and I am having trouble separating that boredom, that feeling, from the rest of my life. It sucks.

And you know, I am a pretty private person. I don’t really share my feelings very easily or with many people. But when I choose to open up to someone, I really do. and sometimes I know that becomes a burden on them. Like boy. I worry that sometimes I might frustrate him when I am just so upset and I have no idea why. But he is usually the one I am on the phone with when I get upset. And I know I just need to suck it up and pray about it and move on or call a girlfriend. But that’s hard to do sometimes.

And sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. and that makes me feel like crap. Because I know he might not either. So I start talking about stupid stuff and then I think he isn’t listening so that makes me upset and wakes the beast. But the phone is the only way I have to be in his presence each day so I treasure the calls…I just don’t have anything sometimes. That song, “Where’d You Go?” by Ft. Minor really sums it up…

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say…

and it pisses me off because this is the happiest time of my life. i am beyond thrilled to have met my soul mate and someone who truly exceeds the expectations and my dreams. and i love planning a wedding. and i get to spend some time with my parents.

but i feel like crap. a lot. it's irrational. and so it's a problem.

Blech. I’m done. I’ve already cried like 5 times writing this and I really don’t feel like crying anymore.